It’s just that time again. When the angst is so there…and everything is poetry. On a good day, I’ll write it down. I have been in a jam. A pickle. A place where I have been negating that which I love. I may still be in that place. I am not sure. I thought of stopping by the writer’s guild I used to be a member of. They get together tomorrow. I really don’t want to go. I just want the feeling of companionship. The feeling of approval and seeing someone’s face when they are moved by my poetry. I want to be moved by something. I want celebration of life. A jaunt around the maypole. I missed out on sumer this year. I feel ripped off and I am a tad apprehensive about BC for the next 6 or7 months. I continue to read. I am reading “Jesus and the Lost Goddess: The Secret Teachings of the Original Christians” by Timothy Freke & Peter Gandy. Also “The Philosopher and the Druids: A Journey Among the Ancient Celts.”

I just finished “Moonrise: The Power of Women Leading from the Heart” edited by Nina Simons with Anneke Campbell. I was so inspired by this book. Living by intuition. This is my goal. I get excited reading that women have not forgotten how to listen to their soul.  I thought of so many different inventions.  My sights this week so far have been five point stars, creating something new and understanding why my 15 year old daughter does what she does.  I am glad I wrote something.  I am debating a picture.  Perhaps a daughter picture.  Nope it’s of my son dressed as Severus.  Wait a minute, where did that picture go.  It’s somewhere on my blog.


Like a sledgehammer

I have been mulling over in my mind what I was truly blessed with this past weekend.  After being invited to a women’s retreat by a dear friend, I had no real expectations.  (Today, I am feeling awkward and barely recognize the person in the mirror).  This was an accelerated weekend for me.  The presence of a brilliant woman, Jill, who was the  speaker/worshiper, opened the doors for many women to experience their personal freedoms.  I arrived feeling pretty good at where I was with life.  A new book idea was running around my head. I had no idea what was in store for me.  There where many women at the retreat that I knew so Iwas comfortable and always had some question to ask or story to listen to.  At lunch on Saturday, after the morning session, I sat at an empty round table with my good friend.  One woman comes and asks to sit.  I say, “Of course”.  Two more women come and ask the same way.  It seemed odd to me that each one asked to sit.  Jill walked towards us and asked the same.  I said, “Absolutely, please sit down”.  Two more women are standing close by looking where they should sit and I motioned for them to come and sit down.  We all spoke about where we where all from and that lasted until the end of lunch.

Jill started talking about her experience working with male, maximum security prison, inmates.  Jill said that she thought going into the prison, what do I have to say to these men (hearing this woman’s story, anyone would know that something is bound to be stirred by her presence).  She said that by the end of her session there was not a dry eye in the place…”I had spoken to the little boy inside of them,” she said.   It was like a sledgehammer to my head and as I hit the table, I started a very deep cathartic cry that aligned my emotions with my knowledge of what I needed to understand about my ex husband.  I saw  the little boy who needed a father’s love and approval.  I wanted to hug that little boy so badly and say you are so loved.  I do care about him.  I obviously care very much about him, I am still crying.  What an absolute release this was for me.  I was believing a lie that there is no way that I could care for someone who I felt and acted on hate towards me, repeatedly.  This was the understanding I needed to truly be free.  Pride was involved too.  I was free to love at an even higher level.  This is the wonderful thing about love.  Love is always bigger than what I can possibly comprehend.  I can care again.

I thought it had something to do with forgiveness.  I wanted to be freed up from my ex.  I have wanted that since we split.  I believed that if I cared, he would be back in my life, my house etc.  How did I miss this ridiculous lie?  I must have read this in so many different ways.  It has to do with timing, I am sure.  Jill ran over and wrapped her arms around me and prayed for my ex husband.  I wish I could remember everything about that moment.  It was absorbed on a subconscious level.

My body has been detoxing for a few days now.  My skin color is different.  I am still tired but I think that will be better soon enough.  I have not been able to get back into the routine of things.  The weekend was perfect.  I have not elaborated on the other people and experiences I encountered – everything from the weekend contributed to this feeling of well being (at a cellular level).   I am so thankful.



It has been pouring for two days straight.  This is the way of life for me for the last 16 years – the BC life.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Then again, I really have no choice because I cannot control the rain… or can I?  I woke up before four a.m. this morning.  (I am not quite sure the time because my alarm clock is wrong and it’s old and takes forever to reset).  I am no longer a freak out when this happens.  I wake up and stay up because trying to fall back to sleep is a waste of time.  I am realizing that time on the planet could possibly end in my lifetime  knowing   the “powers that be”  could blow everything up.  (I suspect Keith Richards will survive).  I woke up knowing that today was a totally new day.  Nothing from days gone by have anything to do with what goes on today.  I was happy for about 30 seconds and then the list started.  I stopped it immediately – the train (wreck) inside my head.  I grabbed the laptop and started writing stuff for my new book idea that came to mind yesterday.  I stayed focussed for an hour and a half.  I am pleased that I have been given this creative adventure.

We are all here to create.  If we cease to do so, we wither.  I also think that we need the sun.  Living here in the lush, green, lower mainland area of BC, pushes us to be creative when the rain lasts just a little too long.  I have decided to think about the sun.  Knowing that it is there at all times.  I visualize breakthroughs and sunbeams surround my entire body.  My light and the sunlight.  I drink golden apple juice.  I use golden honey on my food and make golden wands.  I feel better.  The golden omega 3 pills are a good idea as well.

I mentioned before that I have been reading more than writing.  This is my reasoning…timing.  I have spent time dabbling in a few projects with a half hearted passion.  When I was slapped on the side of the head with a book title yesterday, everything for this book download like a shuffling card stack.  I am ready.  I have acquired my mind, body, soul and spirit – all some what in sync- and I am off and running.  I even drew the front cover for my book.  I showed my daughter and she said “awesome”.  That means the world to me.  I am excited.


What a concept

Felt like sharing a joy filled moment I had yesterday.

We had two wishbones drying over the stove.  I grabbed them and asked my daughter first to share one with me.  We sat quietly and seriously wished.  We pulled and neither one of us won, in fact the top part flew off somewhere into the abyss called living room.  Oh well.  I wished that I would not be so bound by all these money fears.

Next, off to my son’s room where he was focussed on his ds game.   I showed him the wishbone and a huge smile appeared on his face;  he stopped playing immediately and assumed a wishing position.  We sat on his bed and closed our eyes.  After we both seemed ready to make our wishes he said, ” Ok, on the count of three”.   When he got to two, I quickly shifted and wished that his wish would come true.  At the exact time of my wish, with a loud snap, the bone broke and he won.  I was overjoyed for him.  I know that his wish will come true.  He put the bone above his door as a reminder.  It was a shift for me.  A small glimpse of being unselfish and how living your life for others is meant to be.  This was the best wish I could have made.  I hope to retain this understanding on a cellular level.  Peace out.


Soul Search

I have mentioned that I read quite a bit.  I may be addicted and at this point in my life, I think This is a good habit; until you have reached full circle and think  Really, back here again? All kinds of excuses as to why I should not be torturing myself with old traumas or even happy times.  Often when I feel like I can’t take it anymore (usually when a bill arrives, that I have no idea how I am going to pay for it, car needs a tune up, cat needs to be neutered and there is money to be found) a new perspective on what is important to know materializes.

Yesterday, I read the following insights about the soul:  “Most people work hard to keep the body happy.  Then they seek to stimulate their mind.  Then… if there is time… they look after their soul.  Yet the most beneficial priority has it just the other way around.  When was the last time you paid attention to your soul?” – Neale Donald Walsh.

I was told by a “channeler” that I am a very old soul and that there are not many around as old as I.  What does that even mean?  A few things come to mind but what I want to share is what I read before bed last night:  “At the core of every person is the soul.  This is a pure, virgin self.  It does not think in the ordinary sense of the word, has no egotism, and is not concerned with maintaining itself in the world.  Although the body has a shape and the mind is multifaceted, the soul is completely without form or features.  No markings, profiles, names, formulas, numbers, ideas, or conceptions can be projected upon it.  It is pure, shapeless, and empty.  Any person with training can reach this soul.  Only then can you be convinced of its presence.  When you reach it, your body and mind will become irrelevant, for you are now in a state beyond the senses and beyond thought.  The soul is called absolute because it is beyond all relativity.” – Deng Ming-Dao.

Phew, that explained it.

Today I feel that my soul is my soul.  No one can touch it, no one else can know it.  Apparently, knowing has nothing to do with it.  Just let it be?  Let be be finale of seem?  This is a profound understanding  (if at all possible) and I want to let my day flow, as it should, without any against the current/beaver dam obstructions that I so often create.  So has my soul been running around the universe for millions of years?  Landing in a little clinic, on the coldest day in history (for that day) to parents who where not always conscience of any undertakings or teachings so that I could haphazardly arrive at today’s thought that has probably been thought before?  Just wondering.

I thought of a picture that might have something to do my soul.  It is a flower from my garden.  Peace out.

Flower from my garden on black glass


Born This Way

I have an increasing sense that everything is exactly the way it is for whatever reason. When I sense peace from within(I will call it soul sensing), I feel at one with everything from a single blade of grass to the bald eagle (George) greeting the kids and I on our way to school. I plan to be like this all the time. Why be anything else? Struggling and wanting, things are never good enough, and then the guilt from want that compares to people who really have nothing – or is that even true?   I will share a bit on that one. I visited Haiti two years ago.   The smells and sights where not remotely comparable to what I have grown used to and I absorbed everything with great love.   I left feeling a bit empty. They have not forgotten about humanity. They take care of each other without the great sense of burden North America has adopted. They have community. My hope is that community can be restored here and now where I am living.
Today is a great day. New moon today. Off to work on a sunny day. I have everything I need right now. New ideas continue pouring in and I will expect to be as light and lovely as possible today. Smile and say hi to everyone I come in contact with. I think it is God within us that keeps us going. I need to walk my walk.

I noticed a wonderful shadow of my archway on the shed this morning. I took a picture. I imagined walking through the archway with no hesitation and without wanting to go anywhere, just knowing that there is a sense of infinite today.

Since Monday, I have read three books. “The Age of Miracles: Embracing the New Midlife” by Marianne Williamson, “Soul to Soul: Communications from the Heart” by Gary Zukav, and “The Secret Life of Water” by Masaru Emoto. All great books. I quite often notice that as I read about people’s perspectives, advise,experiences, exposure, etc.,there are specific names they call certain acknowledged happenings. I think, oh I have felt that and then so that’s what you call it. I must say, I am a not into labels. I really think it is up to me to call my experiences (on whatever level) my own. My spirituality is mine and I continue to read everything I feel lead to read. There will never be another me. (I tore off clothing labels in my teens). I refuse to have one more conversation where someone is defiant about what is right and what is wrong when it comes to my spiritual life. I understand that life is exactly what you make it. I think that being conscience of choices is vital to living.

I was reminded this week that love is all there is. Fear is a lie. I am looking back at my life and taking in the love and letting go the rest. I have finally made it that easy for myself. I really like me today. I look forward to meeting new friends and hopefully increase my family size by meeting my soul mate. (My definition of soul mate is my own definition). I love my little house. I love my children and I love my cats. I love my friends and want them to live their dreams more than I want that for myself. I am fully aware of what is going on in the world. I experienced war in my own home for years. What goes on behind closed doors magnifies what is going on outside. I am seeing my inner work reach those around me. I am at peace with this and with who I am; because, I was born to be me.

“To fear is to expect punishment. To love is to know we are immersed not in darkness, but in light.” – Mother Theresa. When I think of Mother Theresa, I  look into her eyes and I see love for every person ever born on this planet and know that love is infinite.  I also see the people as they where as children.  I love that about me.  Peace out.


Single Awareness Day

Yesterday was the first time I heard the alternative title to St. Valentine’s Day.  I thought it was really funny in a “haha” way.  I am single and I love it.  The only problem I have had with being single (at first) was the unrealistic association with loneliness.   Filling up a hole the size of what seemed like a universe was not easy.  There are so many distractions and a lot of trouble to be had.  I decided to read.  I asked God in a very clear and conscious state for answers on what I needed to know so that I can be free.  One of the first books that fell into my lap was (tears coming – I’ll just abbreviate this  (tc) from now on, because I am emotional and will be using this term on a regular basis) Becoming Human by Jean Vanier.  The first chapter is titled “Loneliness” and I will share the words that sent me whirling into my understanding of self:  “The discovery of our common humanity liberates us from self-centered compulsions and inner hurts; it is the discovery that ultimately finds it fulfillment in forgiveness and in loving those who are our enemies.  It is the process of truly becoming human” (p5).

I remember trying so hard to forgive.  Nothing worked.  Until it did…years later.

Valentine’s Day is an awesome day.  I love red, flowers, passion, love, chocolate, wine and personal love notes.  I do not miss not receiving these wonderful gifts.  I keep learning to love myself more and give to my children.  Loneliness is what you make of it.  If and when it hits, just ride it out in a conscious way because it is ok.  I hope for everyone to know that love is infinite and can be known at any moment. *love love love*